Something people seem to forget or just don't know about me is that I am extremely self conscious in EVERYTHING I do and say and even think. In my opinion I can't to anything right. I answer every question with pure uncertainty out of fear that I will actually be answering it wrong. Even when the question was asked by me.
It's not the knowledge of my insecurities that most people don't have; it's the understanding of them. And the understandings of how I deal with them. I guess my not so deepest but definitely darkest secret is that I sort of hate myself. You know how people always say if you love yourself others will love you too? I know that is true, which is why I try as hard as possible to stay positive. For instance I know that I am a good writer. I know that I have a knack for making people laugh. I know that I can sing. I know that I get a long with pretty much anyone. I know that my eyes are very pretty. I know that my family loves me and so do my friends and of course my kitty cats and puppy dog. I'm sure it doesn't stop there either.
It's just once I become completely open with a person I feel like I can no longer hide. So I start telling them everything. All of my insecurities poor out in everything I do. I criticize myself outwardly instead of mocking myself in my head. I'm not sure why. I guess that in my mind, if someone now knows my background and why I act the way I do, then they should be able to understand and be okay with my quirky dislike for self. Except, I have noticed that it often works the opposite.
Someone will nag and nag me to open up to them, and when I finally do, they don't know how to react. And I don't know when to stop, so I end up causing people to pull away from me because I'm trying so hard to hold on to them. Great friendships don't come to me often. I don't understand unconditional love from someone other than family, because all of my relationships out of my immediate relatives have been strained and I have had so many people stab me in the back and twist that knife in farther so many times that I don't even feel it when it happens anymore. Except I do.
I feel it more than the average person. When someone calls me a 'bad' name, especially a friend I break down. When a friend gives me the cold shoulder or the silent treatment, I don't know how to act besides break down into a crying fit because I don't know how long it's going to last. I have had friends not speak to me for 6 week or 6 months at a time. And let me tell you something, it sucks being the person no one wants. People say they will never do that to me, but my past shows other wise.
I am a very vulnerable person and I think people feed off that. I have never been the "leader of the pack" in any of my relationships and I think that is pretty obvious to some people and they use that to walk all over me. I wish I could say that I am sick of it and done with it. But I am not. I mean of course I am sick of it, and I want to be done with it, but I won't be able to actually end it until I stick up for myself…but some things are easier said then done, you know?
That's all for now,
Peace, Love and ME
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